I don’t mean to be smug, well actually I do, but I have nearly finished my Christmas shopping. Of course, I do now have to do all the wrapping so there is no need for me to feel too pleased with myself. However, as I have spent months gathering gifts, I thought that those of you who are behind on such things (read men) would appreciate the benefit of my gathered wisdom with some gift ideas. Utterly pointless gift ideas, I might add. Things that are no use whatsoever to woman nor beast. Gifts for which I can see, nor find, any discernible reason for them having been invented other than something that seemed like a good idea when very drunk very late at night. Not only have these been made, they are now available to the general public for purchase; I now present them to you.
For small children
My nephew is eighteen months old. Like many fortunate children his age, he has more toys than Argos and more clothes than M&S. He has, however, started going to hide in a corner to do a poo. So it isn’t long before he will be introduced to a potty. Imagine my delight when I happened upon a Potty Piano. An original gift that I am sure is going to make potty-training a breeze. It would appear that with this miracle item the child sits nicely on the potty, tip-tapping their teeny tiny feet on the keys of the mat beneath them, the music making an angelic and festive sound. No longer will small children get up and run off, butt-naked and proceed to pee on the carpet. No, no. I am confident that the Potty Piano will be just as successful, if not more so, than the musical potty. Which every child would tip over to see where the music was coming from. I simply cannot wait to see my sister’s look of unending gratitude when the Potty Piano is unwrapped on Christmas morning.
Of course whatever you buy for a teenager is destined to be wrong. Resign yourself to that fact now. You are out of touch, out of place and when finished buying for them, out of money. So when they stumble into the house the worse for wear after festive celebrations, guide them to the bathroom with a toilet bowl light. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently these things come in a variety of colours – they may even change colour. They’ve got every other electronic known to humanity, so at least with this they might be able to throw up in the right place.
For excessively lazy people
Now this could apply equally to teenagers, but also to many people who are no longer teenagers, so I have created an entirely separate section here. I have to say, the variety of crap available for people so lazy that they can hardly be bothered to breathe is mind-boggling, so I have restricted it to three.
Self-Stirring Mug and Temperature Controlled Mug
I have seen one of each of these available for purchase this morning. Google them if you don’t believe me. The first is for the person who is so lazy that having made themselves a cup of tea, after having taken the tea bag out of the water with a spoon, for reasons as yet unexplained by psychiatry, they cannot be bothered to return the spoon to the cup to stir it a bit. I would have thought that if you’re that lazy, then you won’t have even made the tea in the first place. But if I’m wrong and it is the final flourish of a quick stir with a teaspoon that offends a person, then this is the item for them.
Alternatively, a mere snip at £139.99 for the delight of keeping your drink at optimum temperature for as long as you want in a cost of living crisis, is a temperature controlled mug. Along the same lines as the self-stirring mug, but perhaps if someone has coped with the pressure of making their hot drink, then it is too much to ask them to drink it in a timely fashion as well. This is a gift for a person who cannot, nor will not, be rushed. They are simply too important for that. The same sort of person who likes to send their requirements in advance, just so you know how important they are – the champagne in their hotel room is to be chilled to a certain temperature or certain foods are expressly forbidden because, you know, they’re that important. What’s the word for them? Oh yes, twats. Make a donation to a charity on their behalf instead.
Boiled egg cooker
These have been around for years. So someone is buying them and I want to know who it is. I think it is one person and it is probably the person who invented it. However, if you have an urge to boil six eggs at once then apparently this device will make your life so much easier than, say, a large saucepan of water on the hob. Suitable for someone who can’t cope with the mental load of a bubbling pan and a timer.
Electric Lazy Susan
So for those of you who need a quick reminder, a Lazy Susan is that large serving dish with different sections that you can have in the middle of the table, so people can twizzle it round to get to the twiglets without having to negotiate the table itself. You lean forward, you give the bowl a little nudge, you take whatever it is you’re after, and so on. So my question is this: just how lazy do you have to be to purchase an electric version of this? Presumably the effort expended in leaning forward to press the button is as much as moving the dish manually? Is there one button only or is there a button for everyone? Because if there is a button for everyone, then I don’t know about you, but that is an opportunity for everyone in my house to both fall out and get covered in dip at the same time. And if there is only one button, then it is a quick lesson in what happens when you give someone too much power and a button. Buy one for someone you don’t like, then sit back and watch the fireworks.
For anxious people
There are a lot of anxious people about at the moment, and with good reason. I don’t know about you, but when I’m stressed to the eyeballs, the best way to get me to calm down is to tell me to calm down. As I held my dying mother’s hand last year, I could think of nothing more comforting at that time than someone appearing with a sign telling me to ‘look for rainbows’. Had they done so, I could guarantee that they would have had to have looked very hard indeed to locate any rainbows where I would have put the sign. But what if someone isn’t available? A helpful sign saying ‘Exhale’ has to be the answer. At least someone would be able to keep warm for a bit by burning it.
For forgetful people
This is related to the above, but for the more confused person in your life. Buy them a photo frame with a word on and put a photo in it for them. For example, you could get a photo frame with ‘Family’ or ‘Friends’ on it. They seem to be everywhere so I can only assume that there are large sections of the population entirely and permanently baffled. Put a photo of their family or friends in the frame as described on the front. This person will then have an aide-memoir for when they forget who’s who.
For people with more money than sense
I rather suspect that this is no one reading this, or else you’re all hiding your wealth and your sanity very well indeed. We all know you can buy anything on the internet. But did you know that you can buy diamond rings on the internet? Probably. But did you know you can buy them from the same site that you bulk buy your loo roll from? No? Well you can! For £333,999.99 (that is three hundred and thirty three thousand nine hundred and ninety nine pounds and ninety nine pence) they will also throw in free delivery. How incredibly generous.
Shocking as it will be to you, I am not in the market for such an item and unless there is also something he is not telling me, neither is Man of the House. I would just like to say to any (probably) men who have now broken into a cold-sweat that their go-to of jewellery is a mistake – diamonds can never be a mistake. However, mail order diamonds are a big mistake. And certainly for that amount of money. If you’re buying jewellery you want to be schmoozed. And if you’re dithering between diamonds and a house and thinking diamonds are the way to go then, you at least want champagne (at the correct temperature, obviously), nibbles and until someone steals it off you when you are sleeping on the street, an armed guard. Someone must be buying them or they wouldn’t be for sale. Perhaps it’s you.
In a cost of living crisis what could be better than items which are not only a complete waste of money in themselves, but in addition, a number of them also pointlessly use electricity in being able to fulfil their utterly pointless (I use the word loosely) function. There is absolutely no need to thank me now for this helpful and comprehensive list, which I hope means that you will get all of your shopping done in one afternoon. Now you must excuse me, I have a toilet bowl light to wrap.